It’s been far too long since I’ve written down my experience and feelings. And with the lack of doing so, I’ve realized it’s somewhat of a therapy. Writing it all down, and sorting through everything really balances me out. Maybe I’m just emotional or experience too many mood swings, but this is all really intense. Trying to help others and trying to help yourself all at once. I often feel like a juggler at the circus…with everyone watching in amusement at my talent. But don’t get me wrong, I’m bound to drop something. And I do. Often.
Maybe that’s a sign I’m juggling too much at any given time. Which slowly I’ve realized and am working on letting go.
But back to AmeriCorps*NCCC, the reason behind everything I feel. It’s been a roller coaster ride. Of emotions that is. There are days when you forget why you’re doing such work, and feel very oh, woe is me. And other days you are so vividly reminded of why you are indeed giving of yourself to help someone else in need. I experienced those days back-to-back this past week.
I have been on, what we NCCCers call, disaster relief. This has brought me all the way to Dallas, to work in a evacuee shelter at the convention center here. Now upon parking the 12 passenger van that lugs my team and I around everyday, I felt fear grip me. But not the usual fear that makes me question if I really want to be doing this, just a little message from my brain saying, “Hey girl, everyone in this building has been through some traumatic situations…don’t forget and DON’T MESS UP!” And like I’ve said before, this would usually make me squirm in my skin, would make me want to jump out of my skin and run away to find an easier life to live. However, this time, I didn’t react. I must have been tuning out my brain that day, after all, it was my first day back to working after a month break back home. So that first day at the shelter turned into more of a going through the motions kind of day, I didn’t really think about what I was doing, why I was there, or why 1,000+ other people were there. I wasn’t self-pitying that day either. I was just there, numb to the world I guess you could say, numb to my existence. Just another day at work in AmeriCorps, no heart.
Then came day two. But before I go into detail. Let me tell you what we were doing exactly. We were there to help The Salvation Army serve lunch and dinner to these 1000+ people who have just experienced this hurricane, have potentially lost their home, or everything!, have maybe lost a family member or friend, and are sleeping in a shelter full of people, with no privacy, hardly any comfort, and strangers wandering around everywhere. Not to mention, the emotions they feel about the many people who volunteer to help them through their time of need. So now there’s me. Little ol’ me. Selfishly not taking into account why I’m serving 1000+ other people food and drinks. Just thinking about me. My problems. My loneliness. My fears. My future. Me. Me. Me. Just wallowing in sadness. And not able to fit together why I was here to help these people, when I can’t even help myself.
But thank the Lord. Thank the Lord for how He knows exactly how to flip your world upside down. For how He knows exactly what you need to change your attitude. For how He can literally put in your hands the tools you need to help yourself out of the deepest of ruts. That night He gave me three things; my cell phone to call my cousin James, which in turn led me to the most powerful tool of all, Prayer, and also, a book I had starting reading called Eat, Pray, Love. With the help of these three things I woke up the next day refreshed with a whole new attitude.
And so began day three at the shelter. I was really happy to be there. And really in tune to why I was there, what I was doing for 1000+ people, and knew that even though all I was doing was serving two meals a day, with a smile on my face, I was somehow in someway helping these people out. How it helped them, doesn’t really matter, as long as they know, I don’t need to know. None of my business.
The two days before this it didn’t sink in that I was being used by God to touch the hearts of these people, even when it was evident in the many thanks and smiles I received. But day three was different. Especially when this women, after getting her a cup of coffee, said to a teammate and I, “God Bless you for loving us.” My heart instantly melted. I remembered that I was there because if I weren’t who would be there in my place loving and caring for these people. And my day followed that same attitude. I was 100% aware of everyone’s thanks and smiles. One man even shared with us his story, while other evacuees were helping other evacuees. That’s something, how beautiful it is to see all these people, in such heartache, helping each other out.
One man in particular really stood out. He was a writer. Freelance. He was doing an article on the shelter and how impressed he was with the way it was running. Which was great to know, because of knowing how everything happened after Hurricane Katrina, it was good to hear that people have stepped up and readied themselves for such catastrophes. He was also writing about how he was seeing people who didn’t really need the help taking advantage of the system. All I have to say is, I’m excited to see his paper come out in the LA observer. Oh, and his name was Ike. Coincidently, Hurricane Ike ruined his home.
I feel like I wanted to say more, but had to stop to go to work…so this is what I got…hopefully be back again soon.
