The Gadfly

15 June 2011

Revamp

Well, i had abandoned my blog...as you can see... but when i used it to follow some friends blogs. i thought. maybe i'll give it a go again. I changed it up...the look/name. last summer, i was in a summer class...and we read about the hearing of Socrates, and his quote (as you see it in the header) really resonated with me. i thought, well, i by no means am a social reformer... but i often find myself posing these challenging questions, that well, quite often, irritate people... at the least, make them uncomfortable.

so in lieu of my new name...and inspiration, i thought, maybe i'll post my uncomfortable question and thoughts online. i have no real vision for what that will look like. so we'll see.

also, note on the 2008 content. boy, oh boy, does life change... praise God for His faithfulness to grow me from where i was then...to now. =) although, i still find myself learning the same lessons He taught me at the beginning, even now, three years later! oh, His longsuffering with me...

19 September 2008

Back Again...

It’s been far too long since I’ve written down my experience and feelings. And with the lack of doing so, I’ve realized it’s somewhat of a therapy. Writing it all down, and sorting through everything really balances me out. Maybe I’m just emotional or experience too many mood swings, but this is all really intense. Trying to help others and trying to help yourself all at once. I often feel like a juggler at the circus…with everyone watching in amusement at my talent. But don’t get me wrong, I’m bound to drop something. And I do. Often.
Maybe that’s a sign I’m juggling too much at any given time. Which slowly I’ve realized and am working on letting go.

But back to AmeriCorps*NCCC, the reason behind everything I feel. It’s been a roller coaster ride. Of emotions that is. There are days when you forget why you’re doing such work, and feel very oh, woe is me. And other days you are so vividly reminded of why you are indeed giving of yourself to help someone else in need. I experienced those days back-to-back this past week.
I have been on, what we NCCCers call, disaster relief. This has brought me all the way to Dallas, to work in a evacuee shelter at the convention center here. Now upon parking the 12 passenger van that lugs my team and I around everyday, I felt fear grip me. But not the usual fear that makes me question if I really want to be doing this, just a little message from my brain saying, “Hey girl, everyone in this building has been through some traumatic situations…don’t forget and DON’T MESS UP!” And like I’ve said before, this would usually make me squirm in my skin, would make me want to jump out of my skin and run away to find an easier life to live. However, this time, I didn’t react. I must have been tuning out my brain that day, after all, it was my first day back to working after a month break back home. So that first day at the shelter turned into more of a going through the motions kind of day, I didn’t really think about what I was doing, why I was there, or why 1,000+ other people were there. I wasn’t self-pitying that day either. I was just there, numb to the world I guess you could say, numb to my existence. Just another day at work in AmeriCorps, no heart.

Then came day two. But before I go into detail. Let me tell you what we were doing exactly. We were there to help The Salvation Army serve lunch and dinner to these 1000+ people who have just experienced this hurricane, have potentially lost their home, or everything!, have maybe lost a family member or friend, and are sleeping in a shelter full of people, with no privacy, hardly any comfort, and strangers wandering around everywhere. Not to mention, the emotions they feel about the many people who volunteer to help them through their time of need. So now there’s me. Little ol’ me. Selfishly not taking into account why I’m serving 1000+ other people food and drinks. Just thinking about me. My problems. My loneliness. My fears. My future. Me. Me. Me. Just wallowing in sadness. And not able to fit together why I was here to help these people, when I can’t even help myself.

But thank the Lord. Thank the Lord for how He knows exactly how to flip your world upside down. For how He knows exactly what you need to change your attitude. For how He can literally put in your hands the tools you need to help yourself out of the deepest of ruts. That night He gave me three things; my cell phone to call my cousin James, which in turn led me to the most powerful tool of all, Prayer, and also, a book I had starting reading called Eat, Pray, Love. With the help of these three things I woke up the next day refreshed with a whole new attitude.

And so began day three at the shelter. I was really happy to be there. And really in tune to why I was there, what I was doing for 1000+ people, and knew that even though all I was doing was serving two meals a day, with a smile on my face, I was somehow in someway helping these people out. How it helped them, doesn’t really matter, as long as they know, I don’t need to know. None of my business.

The two days before this it didn’t sink in that I was being used by God to touch the hearts of these people, even when it was evident in the many thanks and smiles I received. But day three was different. Especially when this women, after getting her a cup of coffee, said to a teammate and I, “God Bless you for loving us.” My heart instantly melted. I remembered that I was there because if I weren’t who would be there in my place loving and caring for these people. And my day followed that same attitude. I was 100% aware of everyone’s thanks and smiles. One man even shared with us his story, while other evacuees were helping other evacuees. That’s something, how beautiful it is to see all these people, in such heartache, helping each other out.

One man in particular really stood out. He was a writer. Freelance. He was doing an article on the shelter and how impressed he was with the way it was running. Which was great to know, because of knowing how everything happened after Hurricane Katrina, it was good to hear that people have stepped up and readied themselves for such catastrophes. He was also writing about how he was seeing people who didn’t really need the help taking advantage of the system. All I have to say is, I’m excited to see his paper come out in the LA observer. Oh, and his name was Ike. Coincidently, Hurricane Ike ruined his home.

I feel like I wanted to say more, but had to stop to go to work…so this is what I got…hopefully be back again soon.

14 July 2008

It's been far too long...SORRY GUYS!

Well, I'll start off with my picture links...I of course have PLENTY, since it's been generations since I've posted anything on here. So here it goes, bear with me, it's a possibility that it'll be a long one...so DEEP BREATH NOW! READY? SET. GO!

My Last Two Albums From Camden:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=120430&l=438e3&id=501785225

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=130627&l=48d4b&id=501785225 ( and a little bit from transistion at The Point in Maryland)

NEW YORK CITY!:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=120161&l=696b5&id=501785225

Hmmm, where to start? I finished off my second round in Camen, NJ. It was such an awesome round. Very relaxing, and very fun. However, I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get to see more change in the city...I have a little place in my heart for Camden...I hope to go back someday and maybe help out more. That's all I really have to say about Jersey.

Oh, some news, my team recieved a new teammate after losing another. It was a major loss to see Jared go, he had a large part in motivating the team. But luckily we got to take Tisha under our wing. She's a ton of fun and it's been great to have her around. I'm bonding with her better than most on my team. It's been hard to be real close with my teammates, we just don't have a lot of commonalities, but Tisha has really changed that around for me. I'm excited to have her around.

We also got to take time off during the round to make a weekend trip to NYC! First time there, and I think I still have mixed feelings about it. First of all, it's too big to explore in a weekend. EVERYTIME YOU GET OUT OF THE SUBWAY, IT'S AS IF YOU'RE IN A WHOLE NEW CITY! Every part of the city looks completely different...it's astonishing. We had a relaxing weekend away, we stayed with a cousin of one of my teammates. And all decided we didn't want to do the REALLY touristy thing. We wanted a weekend to chill, so we just walked around aimlessly and some teammates met up with some friends. We had cookouts on mini-grills on the streets of New York City. Wild...no back yards makes it hard to have a cookout. Driving up to the city was like looking at a photograph. It's so large, it looks surreal. I just still haven't decided if I'd ever want to live in a large city, I think I'm meant to be a small town girl. I love my nature too much, speaking off, not impressed with central park...it's just another walk in the woods but with a sidewalk path. However, I understand how the residents of the city could really enjoy it. There's my analysis on New York City...Oh, and I ate a lot of great food there...(that's one thing different parts of our country has to offer, different but great food!)

So I sadly had to leave my team to join this program I've been waiting for called Summer of Service. I went through a week of supervisory training, and MAYBE learned a lot. Quite honestly, I'm still not sure what I was suppose to get out of it. I don't think anything can really "prepare" you to deal with the raging hormones and attitudes of 14-17 yr olds who have been through a massive natural disaster. These kids have experienced more than most people can even imagine, there really isn't even a way to emphasize with them. Nothing compares to a hurricane wiping out your entire city. Some of the kids on my team stayed in New Orleans during the storm and when the levees broke. One of them was stuck on their roof, and swam to a bridge to be saved. Another was stuck on a hotel roof for 5 days, waiting for the passing helicopters to finally pick him up...at age 11, later to be seperated from his parents and left to take care of his 7 yr old sister for a month, alone! Intense...I know. But these are just a little bit of light into two of these kids stories. And there are thousands of more kids with thousands of more stories. New Orleans can't be forgotten... These kids need help from anywhere they can get it. But furthermore, I've been leading these kids in service projects, which for some is their first time really working...and it's been an experience. I applaud every parent in the world. You've got to have a backbone to raise a kid. I've been with them a week, and WOW! That's all the words I have to describe the attitude on these kids. The complaints are neverending, and their energy is overwhelming. I have two co-crew leaders. And in the nicest way possible they are pretty uptight, so it's been challenging for me. I've never had to step up and be the energy and the fun in really any situation. I've always been scared of "punishing" someone and always been afraid to speak in public. But I have been put into a situation where I have to face my fears. I've done things from making a fool of myself in community meetings to introduce myself to sounding like my mother because the kids are making fun of a mentally handicapped kid on my team. These kids have brought me to an all time high but also know how to make my blood boil. It's been an emotional roller coaster ride this month and I've had to deal with all these new things coming at me, but I've decided to let God take control. I can honestly say everyday here has been a good one! Even though these kids can through curveballs into any situation and the staff running this program keep us on our toes with an everchanging schedule and duty from 2a.m. - 6 a.m., not to mention the 100 weeks I'm pulling, I've been keeping my optimism. I've stepped back and realized in order to keep my sanity, I need to just be laidback and flexible. This has freakishly been really easy for me, even with the challenges, being here for these kids has come so naturally, it scares me.

Last but not least, You are all on my minds and in my prayers. I may not have the time to keep in contact as much as I'd like. But I love each and everyone of you...I hope all is well & I'll be home soon! :) Can't wait...ONLY 4 MONTHS LEFT!

23 May 2008

PICTURES GALORE!

15 May 2008

It's NOT about Me...

When I was in New Orleans, a guy named Paul said to me "I think a lot of people get confused, and instead of focusing on their relationship with God and what he wants them to do, people tend to try to hard to do what they want to do for him. Cassie, sometimes you want something so bad and you think it's all great, but then God just takes it away from you. And you question how he could take away something so great. But He knows what's best for you and so things will work out if they are meant to and if you're looking to God."

It's really made me think lately...
And I also stumbled across a really good book...that emphasizes what he was saying:
It's NOT about Me - By Max Lucado

I know that my life is in God's hands and I've complete faith in him and that he'll take me where He wants me to go...

BUT! I've never really thought about the relief that thought can give you.
I'm a worry wort... I tend to get caught up in planning for the future and worrying about the past. It's always been hard for me to deal with change. And this puts a whole new perspective on my life.

It emphasizes that no matter what happens, it's happening for a reason, God's glory! And it puts me at ease to know that even the worst of situations have meaning behind them. It makes me stop worrying about my future's outcome. I've put my life in his hands, I look to God, He'll take me where I need to be. And it's really helped me put my past behind me, and live in the now. I feel if I'm looking at every moment to glorify God, than everything will be okay.

And that's why I'm here, in the AmeriCorps, to shine light on him. Not me! I felt this is what was right for me, even if some people think it's selfish to leave everyone behind. And even if some people see it as all personal gain. I see it differently. I may be getting killer benefits on the road I've choosen...but it's only because I've been looking to God!
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Now, let me tell you a little bit about New Jersey...
I arrived last Saturday to Camp Sun 'n' Fun, which I was under the impression we'd be out in the middle of nowhere. Guess who was wrong? Yes, me! We are right off of a main road, next to a very populated area, with a mini airport nearby. However, it's STILL a nice getaway. After volunteer housing, living with hundreds of people, it's nice to be with just my team...even if they make me want to rip my hair out. I have a lot of "me time." Reading, talking on the phone, exercising, writing, researching for future plans (which are slowly but surely being blueprinted, I don't think they'll ever be set in stone. Like I said, living life moment to moment...I trust I'll end up where I should be.) So it's nice here, doing a lot of self-searching. I sleep in a little OPEN-AIR cabin with 5 other girls. It's a little cramped, and it's been cold lately. Sleeping with 3 sweatshirts and 2 pairs of sweatpants! Definately living the life...boy do I miss heat! lol It's been raining a lot, and I've been working on my positivity and telling myself that "God makes rainy days, so we can appreciate the sunny ones so much more." It's been getting me through the days. We also cook for ourselves here...which is nice! Not having to eat on a schedule, and one of my teammates is a pretty excellent cook. :)

We work here at the camp, one day a week, in exchange to stay here. And we've been doing a lot of clean-up and painting. It's nice to see how a camp runs...lets me feel things out a bit! I haven't got the chance to talk to the director....but hopefully soon!

The rest of the week, we work at the garden. It's a little different than what we thought it up to be. But we are weeding and planting, which is more relaxing and enjoyable than I ever thought it'd be. I remember having a garden as a kid, and hating it, whining to Mom...Why do we have to do this? lol Well, times have changed...I wouldn't mind getting my hands full of soil everyday! We garden in the garden and also around the community! But we've also been painting around the garden for a big national gardening convention that they have the honor of hosting this year. So we are making the garden look nice 'n' spiffy. It's really nice to see the transformation! They also have festivals on Fridays & Saturdays that we help at.

The sponsors are so nice, they are getting us free tickets to everything. So I've been to a Riversharks baseball game & seen Philidelphia. We've got a bunch of other stuff lined up...so I definately won't be short on fun this round. It's a little frustrating to always have to be with the team, but like I said...I get away whenever possible. It's just like being around siblings 24/7 with no real chance to get away. They are there ALL THE TIME! It's defiantely teaching me patience and all those other good social skills.

So I've really been enjoying myself, it's just a little harder to see the impact we have this round. Camden is such a depressed city and I'd love to see some major change. But I can't ask for that, I guess. Things don't change overnight...I can only do as much as I can. It's just hard to see the lifestyle people live here. I've been told a lot of kids graduate and don't know how to read. That's just one bad thing on a list of many. They really need a helping hand here...it's so hard for me to picture no way out for all of these poor children born into a lifestyle and not know anything else. Really gets me thinking on my future, with my non-profit, maybe I'll work with inner city kids. And show them the world isn't all bad and they can make something more of themselves!

OH OH! Which leads me into telling you all, that I got in for Summer of Service. I'm so excited...I'll be working with 14-18 yr olds, who are all from low-income familes and I'll be leading them in service projects down in New Orleans. Sound a little familar? YEAH YEAH! Just like the non-profit that I want to start...I'm hoping to really get a feel for this. AHHHHHHHHHH! <----that's me excited!:)

And since I'll be in New Orleans...I get to see the houses I rebuilt...DONE! and get to spend 4th of July with them! OW OW! I'm getting antsy!

P.S. I was also on the front page of Camden's Courier Post...first ever newspaper photo...smack dap in the middle, BIG AND IN COLOR! I'm a celeb. No! Just kidding...it was an article to promote the garden and AmeriCorps*NCCC.

Well, that's the news, in a nutshell, well, a really BIG, detailed nutshell....
Love & Miss You All! Hope all is well back home...

I Need to Wake Up -By Melissa Etheridge

Have I been sleeping?
I've been so still
Afraid of crumbling
Have I been careless?
Dismissing all the distant rumblings
Take me where I am supposed to be
To comprehend the things that I can't see

Cause I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something's got to break up
I've been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now

And as a child I danced like it was 1999
My dreams were wild
The promise of this new world
Would be mine
Now I am throwing off the carelessness of youth
To listen to an inconvenient truth
That I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something's got to break up
I've been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now

I am not an island
I am not alone
I am my intentions
Trapped here in this flesh and bone

And I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something's got to break up
I've been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now

Another song that gives a little insight into why I'm here...
Really shows how I felt before I left home...

30 April 2008

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

So much news to share...
Today I am on transition in Jackson, MS.
Staying in a hotel..with, YES!, a hot shower...
AND I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR SHOWER SANDALS!
Such a relief.
We arrived here on Sunday night and will be departing on Friday morning.
It's comparable to living like Kings & Queens at this one star hotel after living in volunteer housing for 2 months.
And the food from the hotel restaurant is GLORIOUS!
That's the beauty of living in unfortunate conditions...
1. it makes you stronger &
2. it gives you a new appreciation for the little things that you'd usually take for granted.
So here in Jackson, We are doing our Debriefs & Briefs.
Being all professional like.
AND OH OH!
I had my interview for Summer of Service...
Despite some awkwardness, I feel very confident about my interview.
I don't recieve the outcome for a week or more, so that leaves me here praying for the best.

And looking back to the last days with St. Bernard Project...
So much to say, I'm left almost speechless with all the thoughts I have jumbling up my brain.
First of all, I had one goal before leaving.
And that was to see TWO...yes, ONLY two pieces of flooring go down.
BUT I managed to complete THE ENTIRE FLOOR!
THE ENTIRE FLOOR.....YES, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, THE ENTIRE FLOOR!
That is 9 rooms total, that I led volunteers to progress from drywall to flooring!!!!!!!!!!
I can't explain how accomplished I feel....4 weeks, and so much to show for it!
But the reason this was so important for me was because I made such a strong bond with my homeowners and their kids.
I can honestly say they are a part of MY family.
They are such incredible people and have taught me that despite the hurdles and the flaws of a family, those flaws are the only thing keeping a family bond strong.
I'm bonded to them through flaws and they've helped me to realize that no matter how imperfect my family is, I have unconditional love for them and there isn't any hurdle we can't jump or pull us apart.
And so to see this floor go in for this wonderful family, was an incredibly heartwarming experience for me.
The floor is what takes the house from looking like a construction site and turns it into a home.
It really gives it the warmth to the house.
The shell of the home is done, and I can proudly say that I helped make that possible.
I have now helped two famlies get one step closer to moving into their home and recreating that lost daily lifestyle.
The experience isn't really something I can say in words or ever really be able to explain, but was life changing, something I will never forget.
Leaving was one of the hardest things I've had to do...
After making that connection with The Briere's,
And having to leave the home, unfinished.
There was definately not a shortage of tears.
I wish terribly that I could have seen them move in.
My only hope is that I will be able to return someday and see them in their home.
But I will definately stay in contact, they've made a huge impression in my heart.

I do realize that life goes on...
And so ONWARD TO NEW JERSEY!
I've already mentioned a little bit about my next project.
I'll be working with children to teach them about horticulture...SO EXCITING!
But what I just recently found out is that I'll be living at Camp Sun 'n' Fun...
My entire team is looking forward to this.
But I am especially excited, seeing as I want to start my own camp someday.
I'm really looking forward to see how to run a camp and all the in's and out's.
Camp Sun 'n Fun is a camp for children and adults with developmental disabilities, and it's going to be an awfully interesting experience.
I'm anticipating learning so many more new things.
Especially about gardening and being Green!

However, I may be leaving in June for Summer of Service.
But I'm excited cause that will let me get Round 2 experience, along with Summer of Service, and then rejoin my team halfway through Round 3.
All the more experience! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

And I can't leave out all the Independent Service Projects, that Raven 5 did.
I went to a Community Meeting in Chalmette, which talked about the environment.
I've never been to any kind of community meeting before, and it really gave me the desire to attend them whereever it is that I live. I feel they are very important.

I also worked at a huge event in the Superdome, called V-day.
It's an event to raise money to start shelters for abused women.
Quite the organization, and they perform The Vagina Monologues, which is defiantely interesting.
I also met a few celebrities there. One more first to mark off!

That same weekend, we did a Kaboom build, we did 24 hours of ISPs that weekend which means that for about 3 or 4 weeks I hadn't had the chance to sleep in.
Watch out, when I come home I'm going to be an early riser and a morning person.
So anyways, the Kaboom build was amazing.

What we did was help rebuild a park. Torres Park was actually rebuilt after the storm but two kids decided to burn it down. So they had to rebuild it all over again.
But it was amazing being a part of it.
I helped to rebuild one of those chain bridges.
Not sure if that means anything. But I used chain cutters.
Man, I didn't know you needed muscle to use them....but have no fear, my muscles saved the day!

We also helped out at the Animal Rescue of New Orleans.
We got to walk dogs and clean out cages.
I walked a dog named Picassa, she was adorable.
It made me want to quite the Corps just so I could go home and get a dog.
And also really miss my cat, Gus!

There was also a day that we worked at the Audubon Zoo at a fundraiser.
We manned the carnival games for the kids.
I was running a Par one golfing game.
And I thought the kids would never stop coming.
And Low & Behold, here comes the girl with the powerswing,
And me, with my head too close,
I got WHACKED! in the head....yes, an egg appeared and everything!

But all in all, I enjoy volunteering and helping out these communities.
I've definately found my nitch in life.
I feel strongly that service will be a HUGE part of my life...FOREVER!